2000 years too early

Hey there Janet.

See the problem with me having been dead for so long, and for similar reasons, the problem with the Bible, is that a lot of the things we talked about all those years ago just aren’t relevant anymore. Hence the title of this blog, and also, hence the reason I blog at all. I want to provide a contemporary account on modern issues much as I did 2000 years ago and let people now decide if I am worth following anymore. 

The reason sex before marriage was frowned upon back in my day (or at least why I frowned upon it) is because back then it was a lot more difficult to keep a lid on peoples sexual hygiene. Most people lived in dirt, and used dried up dirt to scrub the more fresh dirt off them. It wasn’t particularly clean. People used to catch all sorts of ailments through sex. Granted AIDS wasn’t a huge problem, nor was Gonorrhea but there was some nasty stuff flying around that would near enough rot your bits off, and lets face it, medical standards weren’t how they are now either. Doctors were just as likely to chop off an infected area than treat it. The no sex before marriage was primarily aimed at keeping cases of sexually transmitted plagues to a minimum. 

Also, apart from possible STP’s, single mothers hardly received benefits and help from the government to be able to support their families. On the contrary, they were prone to being cast out from their communities and were often stoned to death. Guys were assholes back then too, and without the bonds of marriage making them responsible for whatever their pants did, they were likely to split on a girl they ‘accidentally’ got pregnant.

I would however advise you to only have sex with someone you love, even if you aren’t married. Sleeping around and being a slut sucks! Guys don’t find it attractive (trust me) and you’ll hate yourself for doing it. I’m not saying you will even end up marrying them in the long run, but that whole stuff is much more fun if you care about the other person involved. It usually helps to alleviate any of that awkwardness and embarrassment you may experience during or after a ‘one night stand’ and you wont get yourself a nasty little reputation…. ‘Slutface Whore Bag’ for instance. Or, for the less creative, ‘Hooker’.

And in answer to your question about what the ‘lovin’ situation is up here in Heaven, it isn’t 1984 up here, nobody is going to stop you from getting any. Heaven is actually a really awesome catalyst for dating. Me and Maggie hooked up properly here. So maybe if, god forbid, you do die young, you’ll find Mr. Right up here. 

Hope I helped.

Peace and Love to All!

JC.x

Thank you for your question! This is definitely more my area of expertise, I definitely have never been much of an agony aunt, I’ve always been way better at telling people stories. So yes, thank you!

Can you get hurt in Heaven? Hmmm………… I guess that all depends on what you do in Heaven. If you are talking, scraping your knees because you fell over on some concrete, then no, you can’t do that. Heaven is 90% cloud and 10% treated candy floss (treated to prevent it going all weird and soggy and unfluffy). 

You can’t technically get mortally wounded either because…. well, you are already dead! Obviously. If something happens to you that probably would have killed you on Earth, accidental impaling, chronic indigestion due to excessive success in a chilli pepper eating competition, overly enthusiastic drinks vendor shaking etc etc then you might end up passing out for a little while. You’ll always wake up again though, possibly feeling a little worse for wear, but you’ll still definitely be here for the duration.

We had a little trouble a while back when several of the younger members of society up here took this to mean that they could run around being damn idiots, and began near enough injuring themselves seriously on purpose. To tackle this problem, we implemented a system where those who have Near-Death Afterlife experiences, undergo a period of training and counseling by a team of Angels to make sure they possessed the right skills to live out eternity up here. We specifically picked the most charismatically challenged and jobsworth Angels to conduct this course to make it an unattractive prospect. Those who fail the course are forced to wear a particularly uncool outfit consisting of knee/elbow pads and a ridiculously lame looking crash helmet. Constantly. Even in bed.

You can get hurt in Heaven, but you really have to try hard to do it seriously. Or be an idiot. Try not to be/do either of those and I’m sure you’ll be fine once you get here!

Give Peace a Chance!

JC.x

Hi anonymous

Im sorry to hear that you are having so much difficulty with this part of your life. I’ll be honest, I had a little bit of difficulty myself in answering this, so I had to ask Maggie for a little bit of advice. So if you like the advice, you should definitely thank her for it.

Basically she suggested you make efforts to literally tell yourself to feel good in the hope that you might actually start believing what you are saying. If you are struggling with this, take a look at this example…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

I hope that covers it for you because frankly, I’m stumped. Although I will say this, if it is really bothering you THAT much, how come you are coming to people you don’t know at all for guidance? Try talking to some of your friends, who know you and who know the situation a little better than some bearded guy in the sky does.

Thank you.

Peace and Love to All.

JC.x

Dear Kea

Thank you for your interest in my blog and your queries regarding it. I hope to answer you in a satisfactory manner. 

Animals do have souls, and yes, most of them do end up here in heaven. Animals find it extremely difficult to sin as they simply do not have the brain capacity to. Before anyone decides to be smartass here, I am fully aware that humans are an animal too, however, they have been blessed with a larger brain that has more gadgets than any other creature alive today. The same stroke of fortune that allows you all to speak, think and feel emotions, also allows you to thieve, lie and generally be an asshole. 

Some animals get a bad rep just because they occasionally eat livestock and/or creep into houses at night and drag small children into bushes for a midnight feast. It is easy to say ‘Oh my god! That Tiger is soooooooo evil!’, yet this would be an incorrect assumption. The Tiger, or Shark/Wolf/Komodo Dragon/Yeti is merely hungry. Eating whence hungry is neither a crime nor sin, but because the meal is one of our own, we denounce it as such. Wrong! Don’t build your house so close to a Tiger’s, it is as simple as that.

You may be wondering though, ‘Surely if most animals go to Heaven, isn’t the place overrun with beasts and swilling with dung Jesus?!’. Luckily, hunting is still prevalent up here, as too is BBQ Chicken and Mixed Grills. Don’t think of Heaven as a grandiose paradise, think of it as a fairly lovely country; different in many ways, but essentially the same rules and customs apply. 

The whole Lamb thing is definitely a mixup, and I think I can put my finger on where it came from. I was conducting an interview with some hack from the Jerusalem Herald and had recently enjoyed a fine loin of minted Lamb. As you appear to be aware, this dish is truly amazing. Tabloid journalists are susceptible to sensationalism, have been for millenia and always will be! To his questions of ‘How would you describe the human race?’ and ‘How much do you love people?’, I am fairly sure I may have answered ‘Like minted Loin of Lamb’. And this is where the nickname ‘Jesus the Shepard’ and the headlines ‘Jesus thinks of us all as Lambs’ originated. 

If we weren’t meant to eat them, why do you think my Dad gave you cotton?! Because fully grown Sheep are soo fricking adorable…… come off it!

And of course there are Squid in Heaven, I have a pet one named Richard <3. I built a deluxe tank for him, complete with replica models of the Titanic and full scale representation of Atlantis. Oh boy! He loves it!

Give Peace a Chance!

JC.x

Not really.

People just spend their whole lives striving to get there because of peer pressure…

What do you think?

JC.x

Hey anonymous. 

What makes you think that you are going to Heaven anyway? What if I were to consider, ‘not finding the time to read the previous posts of somebody but still feeling you are within your rights to ask questions of them that have probably already been answered’, to be a sin? huh? 

Don’t be so presumptuous my friend, and perhaps stop thinking about the consequences of homosexuality so much and ask me something original. People will begin to wonder why you are so preoccupied on the subject you know?

*wink* 

Peace and Love to ALL!

JC.x

Hey.

No it isn’t actually God’s word, it was written like a thousand years after even I was alive. My Dad only speaks Swedish anyway (I probably haven’t mentioned that most celestial bodies are fluent in several Nordic tongues) and I’m not sure scribes back then were very friendly with the Viking nations. Probably something to do with the plundering and pillaging, but oh well…

make up your own mind though, I don’t really care. If you are cynical, don’t bother reading it. I’ve never read it. Nobody has forced you to. It is essentially a book that outlines a few simple moral guidelines that quite frankly, regardless of creed, religion, political preferences etc etc, nobody should have a problem with following. If you want to sit around getting all concerned about the possible motives of what people did years and years ago, I guess that is up to you.

Peace and Love.

JC.x

Hey ifiever, how are you?

Sorry it has taken me so long, but I am now ready to answer your very much appreciated question!

The Ten Commandments are extremely important, and if broken they should be severely punished! The first Commandment is particularly critical:

1. The Shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and “shotgun” can be called regardless of whether or not the driver is in sight of the car. 

This rule is vital in ensuring that the allocation of the front passenger seat is allocated responsibly and that the will to sit in this desirable position doesn’t spill over into chaos. It is important that all passengers are reminded that the driver of the automobile however, is ALWAYS in control. 

Commandment 2 reiterates that:

When simultaneous “shotgun” is called, there is then a foot race to the passenger side door for all of the people who called. 

also, 

On the call “shotgun” if the driver wants to mix things up a bit he can call “reload”, this means that all calls of “shotgun” before that are void and the first person to call “shotgun” again gets the seat.

The responsibility of riding shotgun must be taken seriously by everyone though, he must make many sacrifices. 

7: Once the journey is underway, the driver is the obvious controller of the tunes. However if they feel the road needs their full concentration, or they simply cannot be arsed any more, duty is passed to the shotgunner. However, putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence when the ipod finishes a song will result in demotion to bitch seat. 

(The term ‘bitch seat’ refers to the uncomfortable perch in the middle of both regular sized passenger seats)

The final Commandment is perhaps the most sacred and therefore must be respected at all times! 

10:  If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed (convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the occurrence of more than one pirate then a sword fight shall determine the successful shotgunner. 

….and there you go, an overview of the importance of the Ten Commandments. Ohhhhh….. dear. You didn’t mean…? Oh ok, maybe you did. So sorry! You meant the Ten Commandments as in… Moses? 

Well. Not that important at all, only yesterday did I call my Dad a ‘blundering ridiculous old fart’. I’m sure that breaks at least one of the ‘Commandments’, but I can’t see me going to Hell. Can you?

Peace and Love to all!

JC.x

P.E. was a bitch. I always had knobbly knees and all the girls would laugh at me. Who’s laughing now though? Huh? 

Yeah, that’s right. 

JC.x